Eyes Open

This afternoon, we had to have a difficult conversation with one of my patients and his wife about goals of care. His wife brought up the subject: they were thinking about stopping treatment, going home and letting him die in peace. The conversation was good and I was like wow, this is so straightforward....until the patient opened his eyes (he spends most of the day asleep) and began looking around, and looking at me. He was a very different looking person with his eyes open, I thought to myself. He looks so alive with his eyes open. His eyes made me sad for him. When his eyes were closed, I thought it was good that he was going to die soon; he's been through a lot and he's only at more risk of us killing him if we try to continue treating him. But with his eyes open, I wanted him to live. For his wife, who had eyes red from sleeping in the hospital every night with him, who is the one giving him his tube feeds and suctioning his mouth so he doesn't continue to aspirate.

When the attending was done talking to her, I left the room because I didn't want my eyes to water. The intern was stronger than I, he stayed a few seconds longer and gave the wife a hug; she was in tears.

I can't imagine how this wife looks at her husband like this. Most likely his last days since we'll be stopping antibiotics soon. She remembers their fifty years of life together. She thinks of how different her life will be without him. She probably thinks of her own death as she watches her husband die. How quickly life passes. Tonight, I lift a prayer for my patient and his lovely wife.