2012: Year in Review

Looking back on 2012 is bittersweet. We experienced a couple range of emotions over the last year. Here are some memories, times, that we will never forget:

- Match Day brought our answer to the question everyone was asking us: where will you live?? It has been wonderful to live in a completely new city, make new friends and really establish ourselves as a married couple.

- Our wedding in April. The best day, surrounded with our families and friends. The love we felt that day was overwhelming and we continue to flourish from it, growing more and more in love every day.

- Intern year started in July. It's been a learning curve. It's been a challenge, sometimes rewarding, and usually fun because of my co-interns and senior residents.

- October came with a heartbreak. We lost our father, suddenly. The numbness that comes with the finality one is faced with evolved into transient moments of realization of loss and grief over the next months. We still love him, care for him deeply, remember him daily and try to support his beloved wife.

- November was exciting as a Coptic person when we witnessed the selection of the 118th Coptic Orthodox Patriarch (and the reelection of Barack Obama---had to put that for my husband).

In 2013, we look forward to what God has in store for us. By God's grace, we'll celebrate a big graduation --the kind with the doctoral robes-- this May, a new career, and whatever else God is planning for us; his plans are greater than ours.

FOB unaware

I recently went to a delivery where the mother was HIV positive. We were told by 4 nurses on the way that the father of the baby (the FOB, as we say), was unaware of the mom's HIV status so to make sure we're discreet about it when we go in. Man. I stood there at the warmer, waiting for the baby to be delivered and saw the FOB holding the mom's knees, encouraging her to "push" and overall, looking quite excited for the upcoming event. I felt bad for him. And I felt bad for her. Living a daily lie. Hiding the truth. Probably scared about the consequences of telling him about her HIV diagnosis. Nervous about coming up with an explanation of this daily medication that the baby will have to take for at least 6 weeks. And him being clueless. And of course, I think of the risk he is in (they are not using condoms obviously) for contracting HIV. For spreading it to others (unfortunate reality in a population that hasn't stressed sex for monogamous married people only). Man. That sucks. (That is the depth of my eloquence at 3:30 am during a night shift speaking).

What's Residency Like?

I've gotten this question often and I usually find it appropriate to only say, "it's good." How else can I answer this question without giving "too much information"? I've only been an intern for two months and yet I've already seen and dealt with stuff that....I wasn't expecting. Here are what my real answers would be if I were honest and open...

"What's Residency Like?"

Sad. I almost cried watching a mom weep during a rapid response when her son who has Down's syndrome was vomiting blood after getting his tonsils removed. I was overwhelmed watching the love of his mother, mourning what her son was going through and probably what he'd already been through...in a way, I felt she was like St. Mary looking on to her son, Christ, on the cross, and feeling helpless. Further, I felt sad that I didn't have it in me to comfort her and tell her he would be okay and that this happens sometimes as a complication of surgery. Why not? I was afraid I'd cry in front of her if I stayed around. Instead, I was annoyed that the chaplain didn't come to the rapid response...it's their job to be at these codes to deal with the parents...

"What's Residency Like?"

Gratifying. I take care of lots of kids each day, most of them very sick, some of them not that sick. The majority are essentially back to their normal, happy, playful selves by the time I discharge them. I've even hugged a couple before them leaving. It's also gratifying to have a parents' trust and confidence in you, after all their child is the most precious thing to them.

"What's Residency Like?"

Exciting. I've taken care of kids with lots of different things and babies & kids respond to illnesses in interesting ways. Typhoid fever. Asthma. Diabetes ketoacidosis. Rare immunodeficiency syndromes. Bladder Extrophy. Meningitis. Herpes. Abnormal labs. And sometimes just a baby that doesn't want to eat.

"What's residency like?"

Frustrating. I can't stand some of the parents I meet. It's hard to not judge them with their facial tattoos or not wanting us to examine their meningitic kid because its 8 am. Or what about the parents that essentially are the reason their kid has an asthma exacerbation but aren't there in the hospital with them when they can't breathe? Or the parent who brings in a baby that is found to have fractures all over --child abuse? Or seeing the 16 year old neurologically devastated, ventilator-dependent kid who is that way because of abuse when he was a baby? And then on the flip side...I see saintly parents. Those who adopt kids that have no future. The mom that drives 2 hours each day to see her child in the hospital. The first time mom that is actually breastfeeding, even though its a hard job, because she knows its the best she can do for her child. The parents that will fly from overseas because they want to give their kids the best chance of a successful outcome.

"What's residency like?"

Humbling. I walk into the room of the child that is neurologically devestated...they can't talk, they don't feel much (we think), they can't interact with anyone to a meaningful degree, and I just have a hard time...are they even really alive alive? What does being alive mean? Alive? Living? I don't know the meaning of life with these kids. I am heart-broken for them. I wish they weren't here. Here where? The hospital? The world? I wish they would just die. But I can't say that. All life is valuable. Right? What do they think? Do they think? Do they want to die? What do they want? And then I think about how does God see them. I really wonder about that. "You are fearfully and wonderfully made." Even them, Lord? I don't know the answers to any of these questions but each time, I try to touch them as Christ would touch them. Respect them. Love them. Care for them. As humans and not just as bodies.

That's kind of what residency is like.

Little Victories

This past weekend, hubby and I were fortunate enough to have our priest and his family come to our house. We had been waiting for this day so that our house could be blessed. I was anxious about the visit. Not because Abouna was coming over...but that he had two kids...and kids are picky eaters. And we are in the middle of a fast so the grown-ups are eating fish and fish is a sensitive subject for many kids. (One of our relatives tells her kids they are having sea bass-chicken or salmon-chicken..."just add chicken at the end and they forget they're eating fish!"...such a smart mom). Anyways, I decided to make chicken tenders for them and they could eat pasta with pesto and salad like the adults if they wished. Well, Abouna's son made my day. "Best pasta ever!!" said the quiet kid with a huge smile on his face. Later when his mom and I were cleaning up after the late lunch, he asked her if she had gotten the recipe from me!! Small but big victory for me. I am starting to realize the pride that Egyptian women have when kids like their food. Even if it required to culinary skill on my part--you can't get easier than pasta with pesto!! :) :)

Must Read

When I was first given this book, I had no idea how amazing it would be. Father Arseny truly is a modern-day saint and to read a couple chapters each day was like entering a paradise. It only because of God's glory, that he was able to not just touch, but transform people's lives: atheists, criminals, lonely people, the hungry, the ill-stricken. His relationship with the saints, especially the Theotokos was striking. He reminded me of a nun I had spent some time with before in Upper Egypt who ran an orphanage. She always emphasized that St. Mary was the mother of the girls and Christ was their father. And the Two of them provided for the girls and the orphanage. The book told many stories of people who were in the hardest situations interceding to St. Mary: a girl who was about to be raped, a girl who was being followed by the Secret Police, a husband who was praying before St. Mary's icon for his unfaithful wife. Unreal stories. Humanity that is rare but as this book teaches us, not as rare as we think. St. George protecting the girls from soldiers who wanted to rape them on the top of a train to Moscow. Everyone should read this book. Whether you are Orthodox or not, and I daresay Christian or not. Read this book and allow Christ to show you his love for everyone and for you.

Understanding Confusion

"My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge." Hosea 4:6

Last night, we attended bible study. It was our first time at this particular Coptic Church but we learned so much in the short 2 hour period. Fortunately for us, the priest held a PhD in Theology so it literally felt like we were in an upper level course studying Genesis 9-11. I wanted to just reflect on one topic: confusion. Genesis 11 has the passage about the Tower of Babel. Babel means confusion and symbolizes the world's evil. I won't get into the biblical theology and history of this passage but what stuck to me was that confusion is a characteristic of those living in the world. If I am confused, I am definitely tainted by the world, instead of being

"unspotted from the world." (James 1:27)

I am afraid that many of us in this generation, me foremost, are like those in Babel: confused. We are confused about who God is, the importance of the Church, what is actually important in life, and what living as a Christian really looks like. Why? Because we're listening to the world through all its insidious ways including who we spend time with (and oh-so-softly adopting their beliefs and philosophies), stuff we read online carelessly without examining it and the lies we are fed hourly through the tv, radio, internet. If we do find that we are confused, let us run back to God:

"For God is not the author of confusion but of peace." (1 Corinth 14:33)

Slaying the Dragon

When God wants to teach me something, He usually needs to send the message repeatedly. This past week, the topic was slaying our dragon.

  First, we watched a sermon by Father John Moses. When discussing what young women should use as their guide to choosing a husband, he advises them to pick someone like Saint George, a man who is willing to slay the dragon within himself. How beautifully complete! This morning, my husband showed me this post by Michael Hyatt. He discussed how all of us have dragons to slay and in particular, ones that need to be slayed before breakfast. He calls it lethargy. I call it laziness: spiritual, physical and intellectual. To combat this dragon, he talks about how he keeps a discipline of reading his Bible in the morning, exercises and listens to an audiobook (while working out). In both of these examples, I took away that we all have different dragons to slay. Selfishness. Materialism. Jealousy. Gossip. Judgement. Lust. Lukewarmness. Laziness. May God give us the grace and strength daily to slay these dragons!

Our Beloved Father

Yesterday, our beloved Pope Shenouda III, the Patriarch of the Coptic Orthodox Church, died. Today, Abouna preached about how the Pope really was a father to us, a father to millions of Coptic people all over the world. And I wanted to talk about two things in particular.

1. His weekly Q&A. Every Wednesday, the Pope would answer questions or situations that people sent to his desk. It was in the anonymous way like sex ed was when we were in middle school. I attended 2 of these in person and many more watching them on TV. These were not scholarly, theological questions most of the time. And we often made fun of that. Why are people asking him these dumb questions? THIS IS THE POPE! But he always answered them and respected the people asking. "I'm 25 and unmarried. What should I do?" "My wife nags at me so much, I could kill her! How do I make her stop?" "My kid is sick. Please pray for him, heal him." "My husband is looking at bad websites, how should I confront him?" These are questions for a father, a personal advisor, someone who you trust, not a very detached, cold, Patriarch. He taught us through his Q&A sessions that just as he cares for our very human problems, God wants us to bring every little problem we have to Him.

2. The Pope's body, in tradition with the Church, is on the Patriarchal Throne at the Cathedral for 3 days until his funeral on Tuesday. Yes, to our Western minds this is morbid. However, some Coptic people, in this foolishness, have displayed their disgust at this practice on Facebook, making a mockery of our Church. How is this SOOO different from an open-casket funeral? In many cultures, there is never a closed-casket funeral. We must train ourselves to before we call a practice "retarded" or "insane" to understand the wisdom of the Orthodox Church. As Westerners (who prefer to ignore the idea of death all-together let alone see a dead body for three days), we need to learn from this and take blessings. The presence of relics of the saints from hundreds of years ago in our Churches reminds us the holiness of the human body, that God sanctified the Body when God Himself took the form of man.

May we learn from the virtues Pope Shenouda, his love for academics (his many many publications and books, and the establishment of Sunday School in the Coptic Church!), his love for the whole world and consequent expansion of the Coptic Church to every continent except Antarctica! and his prayerful, strong and holy spirit. Pray for us before the Throne of God, Sayedna! Lord have mercy on us all.

Rank List Is In!

Today, our rank lists are due to the Match System. In 19 days, fiance and I will find out where we're moving to!!! Eeeek!!! We're very excited to where God will take us.

Guardian Angel

Chief complaint: High blood pressure
Vital signs: Blood pressure 130/85

I went to Room #20 to see my patient, a forty-something year old thin Iraqi man laying on the stretcher, with two of his adorable children sitting in the chairs. His eleven-year old son began translating for his dad and I immediately felt uncomfortable with the situation so I used the phone to get an interpreter on the line. It all started when they were at Wal-Mart looking at gold jewelry (but the gold was bad....the boy said), when his dad developed a terrible pounding headache. It took a long time to understand what was going on but basically this father was suffering from terrible anxiety not having frequent hypertensive emergencies.

After telling my attending about this patient, we also realized that he was under the wrong impression about an episode of numbness/tingling he had 3 months ago. When he presented at that time, a full work-up was done to rule out a stroke. This man, however, though that he did suffer from a stroke and had been living his life thinking he had a stroke. So with my attending, the first thing we wanted to clear up was that he NEVER had a stroke.

The man began to weep in disbelief. "What do you mean? I was told I had a stroke? I have been living in utter agony. I have been so stressed. How can I get my lost time back?" I felt so bad for him, watching his children, the three of them, watch their dad weep. "Baba, you shouldn't be crying. You should be happy that you got great news today."

I get to witness a lot of very human experiences. It really is a honor. And lately, I've also been more focused on seeing this as service to God and as an opportunity for me to witness the Love and Salvation of Christ. When people are suffering, when they are getting good news, I can be that supportive presence, a person that is in the room with them, praying for them, just like those kids were with their dad. Glory be to God.

Happy Valentine's Day!

our wedding photographer, MLP, sent us a very cute succulent and valentine note!

:) :) :) 68 more days!! This weekend was also our Katb il-Kiroot, which is the official name for putting together the invitations! :)