Deprived

Lecture got out early and now I have an hour before I report to work. My eyes already hurt, feeling dry. I am exhausted. I'm on night float on Labor & Delivery this week which means I get up around 2 to make it for afternoon lectures and then work until 6:15 in the morning, typically running around, assisting in C-sections and showing up at the rare normal spontaneous vaginal delivery. I was really sick all weekend with a high fever and sore throat and am still getting over this URI. It doesn't help that my body hates me right now for trying to change its circadian rhythm.

When I want to text someone, I can't because its 3 am. When I get out of work, I go straight to bed knowing I only have a few hours to sleep before lecture. I eat for the purpose of not fainting in the OR. I feel alone these days and I remember our Dean telling us in the first week of med school to get married before we graduate because residency is long and tiring and it sucks to come home to nobody. I know what he means now. Nobody is expecting me home at any time. Yesterday the chief resident was looking for a home to buy for his wife and kid out in California for his new job. Four-bedroom home with a fire pit in the backyard, an hour away from Lake Tahoe "for weekend retreats". And I wondered if that would be me in 4 years when I'm finishing up my residency. Would I be married? Would I have a kid?

I miss having someone to talk about being a med student with. I am sad that the Devil is using my sleep deprivation and fatigue to make me miss what I used to have. To return to asking God why. To telling God that I'm not happy and I want to be happy. That I deserve to be happy. But now, I am sad and alone, broken and sick physically and emotionally. I am tired, God.