Not Being Invited to the Funeral

First, let me apologize for the apparent theme of death of most of my blogs. My life is really not depressing but it is usually these times when I feel the need to write.

Tonight's Healer's Art class was about loss. Mine is the loss of my grandfather. 

My grandfather died when I was in middle school. I knew that his prognosis was bad and heard about his deteriorating condition. He had leukemia. He had to die and for him, death really was the best ending. His death was not the loss. It was missing the funeral and not having the chance to properly say good-bye and grieving that was my loss. 

It's hard to feel the death of someone an ocean away. Until you see their pictures. One of my most vivid memories of you Jedo was when you would take us to the bakery in Brighton and buy us shortcakes. I loved yours and teta's apartment. Right above the post office and the fish and chips place. I remember you telling us to go get blackberries from the neighbors' garden during our summer stays with you. I thought your little white smart car was so cute and unfitting--you were a tall, big man. I still remember you cleaning hamam for us to eat for dinner and picking out the good ones from the bad. I remember you handing us the Littlewoods catalog and telling us to pick out whatever we wanted so that it would arrive before we had to go back to the States. Thank you for those beautiful summers. For spoiling us. For loving us so much. 

When I heard you died, I was in shock but it never hit me. I wouldn't understand that you were really gone until I visited England again and realized you were really gone. Teta would always be depressed, missing her soulmate and her caretaker. You were an amazing husband to her. I always wondered about the love story you two shared. She had five kids and yet lost her sight in her early 20s. You didn't leave her even though I'm sure if you had nobody would've faulted you. Instead, you took such good care of her. It was only after you died that she would be dependent on her kids. 

I heard Baba cried at your funeral. I knew he cried before he left here to make sure he was by your bedside as you died. He looks so much like you now with his greying hair. Sometimes its hard to look at him because I see you. You are still here with us.

Today, I brought you to my school to share with some of my classmates. You meant so much to me and not being at your funeral has clearly affected me. I wanted to say good-bye, to have that closure. I am sorry that I was not like Neveen and Mina to you. I am sorry that we missed on so many chances to be together. Remembering you today has given me a sense of peace. It's allowed tears to come out that have wanted to come out years ago. It has given me a voice to remember you and to love you. I honor your memory, today and forever.

Love, 

Grace